Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oh, say can you [what was that again?]

Now that the wingnuts have declared war on the image of the crescent, it has become necessary to remove all crescents everywhere lest we be accused of giving aid and comfort to the enemies of America. As such, I present to you:

THE [Newly Revised] BILL OF RIGHTS

Amendments 1-10 of the Onstitution

The Onventions of a number of the States having, at the time of adopting the Onstitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misonstrution or abuse of its powers, that further delaratory and restritive lauses should be added, and as extending the ground of publi onfidene in the Government will best insure the benefient ends of its institution;

Resolved, by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of Ameria, in ongress assembled, two-thirds of both Houses onurring, that the following artiles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the onstitution of the United States; all or any of whih artiles, when ratified by three-fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the said onstitution, namely:

Amendment I

Ongress shall make no law respeting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exerise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speeh, or of the press; or the right of the people peaeably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievanes.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being neessary to the seurity of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peae be quartered in any house, without the onsent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be presribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be seure in their persons, houses, papers, and effets, against unreasonable searhes and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable ause, supported by oath or affirmation, and partiularly desribing the plae to be searhed, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a apital, or otherwise infamous rime, unless on a presentment or inditment of a grand jury, exept in ases arising in the land or naval fores, or in the militia, when in atual servie in time of war or publi danger; nor shall any person be subjet for the same offense to be twie put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be ompelled in any riminal ase to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due proess of law; nor shall private property be taken for publi use, without just ompensation.

Amendment VI

In all riminal proseutions, the aused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and publi trial, by an impartial jury of the state and distrit wherein the rime shall have been ommitted, whih distrit shall have been previously asertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and ause of the ausation; to be onfronted with the witnesses against him; to have ompulsory proess for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistane of ounsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In suits at ommon law, where the value in ontroversy shall exeed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fat tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any ourt of the United States, than aording to the rules of the ommon law.

Amendment VIII

Exessive bail shall not be required, nor exessive fines imposed, nor ruel and unusual punishments inflited.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Onstitution, of ertain rights, shall not be onstrued to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the onstitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respetively, or to the people.


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